There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
