Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
the liver wants what the liver wants
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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