I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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