did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
