Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
