Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
