I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
