i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
