your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
