Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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