I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize