Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
