i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize