My liver just broke up with me...
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
