remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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