I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
