Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
