Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Randomize
