You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
