Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize