Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
