So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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