you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
