I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
