just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
