Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
there is glitter all over my balls
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