Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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