That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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