you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
