Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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