If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
