He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
