In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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