The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
