last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
