Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
