just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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