who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
soo... how was my night?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
