remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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