god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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