Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
