Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I woke up under a house in Key West
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