I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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