I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
