The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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