at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
