I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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