I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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