hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
