so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
