my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
