So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
