Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
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