I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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