By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize