Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize