Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
