just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
