I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Randomize
