The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
