Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
