I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
