I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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