u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
